Miss Universe 2010 Top Ten Finalists' Gowns

"HOLY SHIT I'M MISS UNIVERSE!"

Alright, we heard your tweets, we got your emails, now shut the hell up. But seriously, minions. We were planning on this one anyway since the national costumes posts were so well-received. Unfortunately, your eyes will not be treated to an array of cracktastica like the national costumes. No photograph skirts or giant wings or elaborate headpieces here, we're afraid. No, it's mostly a bizarre cross-section of prom queen, drag queen and televangelist's wife, with a liberal sprinkling of stripper throughout. Personally, we respond best to the ones that go full-on drag. Sue us, we're gay. We'd rather see the gal who embraces the fabulous! and the sparkle! and the spotlight! than someone who's dying to show the world her cooch. As we said, that's just us.

Poison singer Bret Michaels and NBC News anchor Natalie Morales host the 2010 Miss Universe Pageant
at the Mandalay Bay Events Center August 23, 2010 in Las Vegas, Nevada.

We don't know this woman. We had to google her. We thought when we read "news anchor" they were mistaken because no network in the world would pay a woman who goes out in public dressed like a mermaid to read the news, right? Color us crazy, but we don't remember Barbara Walters or Diane Sawyer or even Katie Couric going out in dresses so tight we could see the curve of their abdomens. Fashion rule: if you're a network news anchor and you're going out in something MARY HART would consider tacky, consider that a red flag.

Then again, maybe this is why we had to google her. We're not morning people.

Him? He's fine. It's his image. We wouldn't expect otherwise.

Enough cheap fabric to make a hundred highly flammable quilts.

We just love the "oxygen mask" pose. Beauty queens and gay men at surprise parties. That's where you're most likely to see this. As if sudden emotional responses are triggered by poison gas or something.

So congrats to Mexico. We only watched the last twenty minutes but from what we could tell, not speaking English was a huge advantage toward the end there.

And how do they keep those crowns on? Remember in the olden days, when last year's meat had to use like a thousand bobby pins to get the crown on before the winner could make her victory lap? She just plopped it on her head and Miss Mexico was off to the races. It's possible that each contestant has a small strip of velcro surgically attached to her head for just such a purpose. We're not saying it's true; we're just saying it's possible.

Miss Mexico Jimena Navarrete

So yeah. Miss Mexico's gown. No great shakes. And that "parting the curtains on my vagina" move is both classic and hilarious. Why do you think drag queens do it so much?

All things considered (like the rest of these tacky messes), it's not that bad, though.

Miss Jamaica Yendi Phillips

Miss Jamaica could not be within 20 yards of an open flame or heating element for the last 40 minutes of the pageant.

Miss Australia Jesinta Campbell

This was completely see-through on TV. It comes across downright demure here.

Miss Ukraine Anna Poslavskaya

Enh. We liked her better when she was dressed like wheat.

Miss Philippines Maria Venus Raj

Now that's what we're talking about! Go for that glam, Miss Philippines! What the hell, right? How often are you going to get the chance? Girl may have completely fucked up her response, but there was no doubt she was VERY HAPPY to be there.

Miss Albania Angela Martini

Miss Albania?

She a ho.

Miss Guatemala Jessica Schell

BAM! Once again! Miss Guatemala, you may take your place next to Miss Philippines on the FABULOUS STAGE.

Miss Ireland Rozanna Purcell

It's pretty. It's respectable. It's boring.

Miss Puerto Rico Mariana Paola Vicente

Okay, we don't LOVE it, but we feel she's earned a place on the FABULOUS STAGE. Just maybe a little further down and out of the spotlight. It's loud and shiny and exuberant, so we have to kind of give it to her.